The Marriage You Want:
How to Build a Relationship that
Brings Out the Best in Both of You
by Sheila Wray Gregoire
The Marriage You Want and Why It Matters for the Church
In The Marriage You Want: How to Build a Relationship that Brings Out the Best in Both of You, Sheila Wray Gregoire challenges long-standing misconceptions about Christian marriage and offers a new framework rooted in mutuality, respect, and emotional connection. As a best-selling author, speaker, and researcher, Gregoire brings decades of experience advocating for healthier conversations about sex and marriage in Christian communities.
Featured in Help[H]er’s Summer Reading Series, Sheila is not only a friend of the ministry but also a previous guest on the Safe to Hope podcast. Her work continues to resonate with survivors, leaders, and counselors who are rethinking the messages the church has often given around submission, intimacy, and marital roles. With refreshing honesty and practical tools, The Marriage You Want offers a pathway forward for couples who desire a relationship that reflects Christ’s love without coercion or imbalance.
God’s Precepts and Strategies
Gregoire does not shy away from Scripture—instead, she re-centers it. Throughout The Marriage You Want, she clarifies biblical passages often misused to uphold power imbalances or justify abuse. Her understanding of marriage reflects God’s precepts of mutual love, sacrificial care, and dignity for both husband and wife.
Rather than reinforcing rigid gender roles or outdated teachings, Gregoire returns to God’s heart for intimacy that is free of shame and domination. Her message is both corrective and redemptive, making this book a valuable theological recalibration for churches and Christian counselors.
Key Takeaways for Leaders and Counselors
For those walking with couples—or caring for individuals healing from toxic marital experiences—this book offers grounded, research-based insight. Gregoire addresses practical dynamics around communication, consent, sex, emotional connection, and spiritual unity with clarity and kindness.
Her tone is neither combative nor soft—it is measured and deeply concerned for justice and wholeness. Counselors and pastors will find helpful conversation tools and diagnostic questions that move beyond surface fixes. This is a resource that encourages accountability, cultivates safety, and upholds both truth and grace in marital restoration.
Impact on Victims and Survivors
Many survivors of coercive control or marital abuse have been retraumatized by Christian marriage advice that prioritized duty over dignity. Gregoire speaks directly to that pain, giving voice to those who’ve been silenced or blamed within their marriages and within the church. She dismantles harmful narratives about “wifely duty” or blanket submission, replacing them with a vision of marriage built on mutual trust and care.
As we heard in Carya’s story on Safe to Hope, abuse often hides behind religious veneers. Gregoire’s work unearths these distortions, affirms survivors, and offers a better way. Her voice will be a healing balm to those who have questioned their worth or God’s design because of what was done to them in the name of marriage.
Conclusion
Sheila Wray Gregoire’s The Marriage You Want is both a corrective and a comfort for the modern Christian marriage conversation. With pastoral sensitivity and practical depth, she offers a hopeful, biblically faithful guide to building marriages that reflect the love and justice of Christ.
We are grateful to include Sheila in Help[H]er’s Summer Reading Series. Don’t miss Julia Fillnow’s interview with Sheila, where they explore how this book can equip couples, challenge assumptions, and help survivors reclaim their voice in marriage.
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