I’m thinking a lot about advocacy work these days. One, because I’m contemplating proposing a new version of my previous book for helping the local church structure a ministry of one another care for women in crisis. The prior book articulated a structure that supposedly fit well within presbyterian polity. Unfortunately, that doesn’t translate into good care in many situations (abuse being one of them). So, I am considering what a structure for advocacy in the local church might look like if it was built around the needs of the woman in crisis instead.

Second, I’m reading Diane Langberg’s EXCELLENT book In Our Lives First, Meditations for Counselors (although, what book has she written that is NOT excellent?). As one friend put it, this book should be required reading for anyone who works with people, Advocates included. Diane is one of the godliest women I’ve ever met and that fact, coupled with her experience and wisdom, makes her books required reading IMO for people helpers. When Diane writes (speaks, trains, teaches) we all need to just sit down, shut up, and listen carefully. Here’s a few nuggets from In Our Lives…

It is in the process of interceding that God’s purpose and wise order is brought about in this world.

Success, then, is what pleases Him, glorifies Him, and looks like Him.

Do we really believe we can lead another to freedom from bondage when we are enslaved to something ourselves? Do we really think we can teach another to love when we are filled with bitterness and rage toward those we have been called to love? How can we cultivate purity, holiness, patience, endurance, and self-control in the lives of those God brings to us when such things are not truly present in the recesses of our lives?

Wherever you need to go, I must be willing to go first in my own life.

The third reason I’m meditating on advocacy work is because it’s just so predictable. Someone recently posted a scenario of abuse on social media and several of us Advocates immediately thought of at least four cases with which we’ve been involved that it could have been. The very idea that all we’d have to do is cut and paste different names on to the same situation can be so discouraging (to say the least).

When promoting her book about domestic abuse, See What You Made Me Do, Jess Hill wrote an article in The Guardian called, It’s Like They Go to Abuse School. She writes,

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Sadly, the same might be said across the entire abuse spectrum. Spiritual, sexual, clergy, domestic abuses all have the same ultimate goal. Power and control. And since Satan has no new material, the way to achieve power and control can be universal even when its uniquely expressed in each particular situation. The crossover of oppressive behaviors simply adapts to the abusive circumstances.

Ok, but here’s another rub. A similar thing might be said about how folks in a helping capacity react to reports of abuse. The thoughts they have, the things they say, the questions they ask sometimes all sound the same. Don’t hear me criticizing…this is not meant to point fingers and blame. I liken it to the things we say at funerals to our loved ones when they are grieving. “I’m sorry for your loss.” “He/she is in a better place.” There’s a script in those situations too.

Hear me out, though. I’ve interacted with many people helpers reeling from the implications of a report of abuse. I’ve heard from a lot of first responders. Often, they sound the same. The following is a list of questions I’m frequently asked. These relate specifically to domestic abuse…

Is it abuse?

Is it physical?

Is there such a thing as abuse in the Bible?

Aren’t women overreacting?

Who is at fault?

What is at fault?

Who is to blame?

Who started it?

What about he/said she/said?

What about false reports?

What if she just wants out of a “bad” marriage?

Why are there so many reports of abuse now?

Is divorce for abuse biblical?

Should she stay (persevere, endure, suffer, save him, imitate Christ)?

Is it more “faithful” to stay?

Does she trust God if she leaves?

Does she believe in God if she leaves?

Isn’t domestic abuse a secular idea du jour?

What about headship and submission?

What about his/her other perspective?

Who broke the covenant, the one who divorced or the one who deserted the marriage vows?

Is telling her story gossip? Slander? Disrupting the peace and purity of the church?[1]

Does domestic abuse simply impact the marriage and the family? (aka why does it matter?)

Does a “non-physical” abusive marriage merit divorce?

Of course, not everyone asks every question all the time. But the above list is a pretty predictable from people helpers trying to navigate reports of abuse. And, sure, there may be helpful information found in the answers to many of those questions. But, as I thought it over, I wondered if a different list might garner more useful information. The questions I thought of sounded a little more like this…

Is isolating someone from their friends and family a problem? Sin?

Is monopolization of another human being’s perceptions a problem? Sin?

Is purposely inducing debility or exhaustion in another human being a problem? Sin?

Is cultivating anxiety and despair in another human being a problem? Sin?

Is alternating reward and punishment for another human being a problem? Sin?

Is demonstrating omnipotence to another human being a problem? Sin?

Is degradation of another human being a problem? Sin?

Is enforcing trivial demands a problem? Sin?

Is forced dependency on another human being a problem? Sin?

Is causing another human being to live in dread a problem? Sin?

Is any form of torture (cruelty) of another human being a problem? Sin?

Is subduing another human being a problem? Sin?

Is control over another human being’s mind or heart a problem? Sin?

Is terrorism a problem? Sin?

Is domination of one human being over another human being a problem? Sin?

Are punishing behaviors a problem? Sin?

Is deliberately deceiving or confusing another human being a problem? Sin?

One thing to notice about my suggested list of questions is that many of the actions I catalog can be either physical or psychological/emotional/spiritual. Although I would argue all abuse is physical, the heart and brain are as much a part of the outer (wo)man as the inner.

Another thing to notice is that each question requires a bit of follow up inquiry. For instance, if the answer to purposely inducing exhaustion is “Yes,” the follow up should be, “When he purposely induced exhaustion, what did that look like?” And a final thing to notice is, what does the heart of a person look like who is willing to inflict such things on someone they vowed to love and cherish? This second list gets at the heart of the matter, or shall we say…the heart of the abuser. Christian institutions are concerned with the behaviors of their members, for sure. But ultimately, we want to persuade heart change that is demonstrated in new behaviors. The one without the other produces whitewashed tombs. I’m not saying my list of questions provides answers that reveal a smoking gun. Nor that the questions from the first list aren’t good questions (well, truth be told some of them really shouldn’t be asked—but not all are bad). My suggestion here is just for a different approach.

For instance, “motivational interviewing” isn’t something we learn in seminary. Outlining the process is beyond the scope of this post. However, what’s important to know is the MI foundational concept of “engaging.” This is what people helpers are going to find most helpful for discovering an accurate picture of the atmosphere in an abusive home. To do this, we are going to need to first “establish a productive working relationship through careful listening to understand and accurately reflect the person’s experience and perspective.”[2] What that means is, rather than attempting to filter our understanding of the situation through doctrines of sin, human depravity, suffering, marriage, headship, submission, or divorce, etc. like the first list attempts to do, we instead need to create a space where good listening skills can be developed, what needs to be revealed can be heard (safely), and communication thrives. “People are the experts of their own lives,”[3] therefore people helpers need to become better experts of people. Doctrine matters, but approaching crises from that perspective is putting the cart before the horse. A biblical “progression” of care loves the Lord (theology, knowledge of Him) while simultaneously loving others. Think of it like the flow of a waltz rather than the posture in rap.[4] Get to know the person first, then find out more about the problem as they experience it. Listen.

Genuis.

Oh! There’s one more thing I’d suggest noticing about my second list. When you start paying attention to the behavioral patterns of a person whose heart is dark enough to harm the person they “love” in these (and other!) ways, you’ll become more proficient at seeing those same patterns in child predators, sexual abusers, oppressive clergy, entitled power figures, and other types of abusive people. In this, those we care for become our teachers and we the learner. Or, like Diane says, “We must be what we would have those who follow us become.”

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